by Duncan Day-Myron

Guido is a lifestyle, not a slur. So say the juiced up and bright orange Guidos and Guidettes of Jersey Shore, MTV’s latest in a long line of documentary-style reality programs. Unlike its conceptual predecessors the Real World and The Hills, the show follows a bunch of young people (who aren’t front New Jersey) while they get drunk, hook up (usually with each other), argue about hooking up and not having jobs. Oh wait.

So Jersey Shore basically brings absolutely nothing original to its viewership, not even within the MTV lineup. I guess, as they say, “if it ain’t broke, just do it again but with more bronzer.”

The show’s taken a beating from critics. Lots of critics. Doctors, politicians, prominent members of the Italian-American community have decried the program, and, most importantly, Alyssa Milano, made it very clear via YouTube that she won’t be watching. Everyone else seems to be though. The show pulls in over 3-million viewers a week, and that’s not counting the people who watch it online, including yours truly.

And so many people are watching for one simple reason, and I say this without an ounce of self-consciousness: It truly is the best of its kind. Where the Hills had pretty girls secretly hating each other, eating food and having boyfriends (for five seasons!), Jersey Shore has amazing nicknames, steroid abuse, Armani Exchange, hoop earrings and brawl after brawl after brawl. It satisfies a kind of loathsome voyeurism, the way daytime talk shows like The Jerry Springer Show and Maury did; but this time it’s in prime time!

But most importantly, it actually feels real.

From the very beginning, cast of The Hills was paparazzi fodder because of Lauren being on Laguna Beach, and by the end of season five (FIVE!) the amount of pictures of the cast ending up in the pages of US Weekly belied the amount of privacy they had on camera. But the summer that JS was filmed, no one knew or gave a damn who any of these people were. That goes a long way to making what happens feel interesting. They can actually walk down the streets and start brawls with a semblance of credibility.

And I refuse to believe that MTV has the cerebral or financial wherewithal to staff the kind of unfettered brilliance it would take to convincingly script and act this show. These people and situations (no pun intended) are far too convincingly stupid for it to be staged.

Unfortunately, the cast has blown the fuck up. I have seen Snooki and The Situation on almost every late night talk show, and they are charging thousands of dollars to make appearances. Their celebrity is unprecedented for an MTV show (Eat your heart out, Speidi. If Heidi hasn’t had it surgically removed yet.) So rest assured, season 2 (through 5?) will end up being the same scripted, staged bullshit as every other show on MTV right now. But for the time being, it remains one of the most egotistically satisfying hours on television.

The show’s season finale airs tonight on MTV, so if you haven’t watched it already, after tonight, you can watch the entire season in one pitiful session.

You might regret it, but you’ll only hate it publicly.

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