Andrew T knows something about Dinosaurs

Good Morning Angels,
As I write this article, I think it’s important to know that I’m on a bus. A Greyhound, to be specific—and not that I love them. We’re not getting married…I mean…C’mon…I just want you to have an accurate portrait of my situation.
Can I get an Amen for laptops? I mean, thank God for laptops. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this right now. And thank Satan for not having ubiquitous Wifi. I mean, only the Devil would make it so that I cannot have unfettered and untethered wireless access to the internet. I’m not even sure if ‘unfettered’ is the right word to use here, but I can’t look it up on the Merriam-Webster dictionary. No Wifi! Perhaps it’s Norse trickster god Loki who has hampered my access to wireless Valhalla, because if I had never heard about buses with Wifi, then I wouldn’t feel thwarted by not having that. Perhaps it’s Loki that hath blinded me with the promise of the information super highway on the highway, and he doth revel and relish my frustration. Yes, I am a Valkyrie.
I’m not really sure whose fault it is that there isn’t ubiquitous Wifi all over the city (aka the World). I bet the university takes a lot of perverse pleasure in knowing how happy it makes me. Some say I’m dependent on Wifi/internet access. In the past week I have twice been accused of not being able to mentally handle a post-apocalyptic scenario particularly because of how there will be no Internet.
But I could. I could, but I don’t want to. Much like other people around the world, I like living in a reality that has the Internet and I would prefer it if I didn’t have to treat these Wifi Hotspots as magical wardrobes. Isn’t that how Harry Potter gets to Hogwarts? I don’t even know! I’d look it up, But I can’t! Think of how sweet it would’ve been to have accurate Narnia and Potter references in the same line. Hang on—I’ll text Scott and find out…It is! I was right! Suck on that, Rowling!
To be fair, there are some spaces (usually terminals for travel, i.e. bus, train, plane) that provide wireless Internet to their patrons. But these are usually providers that require some kind of payment. Not cool, guys! I want Wifi to be free. Is that too much to ask?
Just imagine, being able to get e-mail updates all over town, or checking the score of the big game no matter where you are (that last one is really, really lame. Except for that last one, that whole imagining thing was really cool, right?).
I bet more than one of you is saying “Andrew T. Hang on one big fat second. Have you never heard of the iPhone? Or various other smartphones from which you can access the worldwide web?” Okay. Well played. But to that I would say, “Of course I’ve heared of the those things! What do you think I am? Stupid? Don’t you thin I am? Do you think I am stupid?”
To be honest, I’d probably yell a lot more things until you got sleepy and left, but since this is the newspaper you’re probably never leaving!
So, to reiterate, yes. I’ve heard of those things. But, and correct me if I’m wrong, don’t you have to pay for those features? And isn’t it generally a large amount? Granted, the iPod touch (for example) is not the cheapest thing in the world, but I’ve only had to pay for Alec Baldwin once. Alec Baldwin is the name of my Touch…and my external harddrive…and potentially also my laptop. Or maybe my laptop’s name is still Baldur…
Right now my point is that I only had to pay for that puppy one time, and I think that additional payment for Internet access is not cool! I like that some coffee shops offer free Wifi. That’s a surefire way to get me interested in your place of business. That, and fine leather seating. On a grander scale, I’m sure I’d be enticed to move to a city that had ubiquitous Wifi, and I’d be more inclined to take a method of travel if I knew that that transportation would let me stay connected along my route. And yes, I’d be more inclined to move to a city or take a method of travel if they provided me with fine Italian leather seating. But I think that goes without saying for all of us. Nobody has a problem with leather, right? RIGHT?!?!? Mmmmm, I could sure use some fine, fine leather right about now.
In a roundabout way, I guess this is my love letter to the people at the University of Guelph that set up and maintain our campus-wide wifi network. It’s pretty awesome.
Oh, neat fact. Did you know that in France Wifi is pronounced ‘wifi’? Wait…DANG! That joke doesn’t fly in print! Print media is killing that joke faster than typing on the bus is killing my brain’s ability to not have headaches.
So, phonetically, that story goes “Did you know that in France Wifi is pronounced ‘whee-fee’?” Is it still funny? I just don’t know anymore…