Written by Aislinn Wyatt
A few weeks ago, one of the excellent volunteer groups within the Wellness Centre, SAFE (Sexual Assault Free Environment) conducted a consent awareness campaign. They handed out t-shirts emblazoned with their slogan, “Consent is Sexy” on which participants tried to get as many signatures as possible. SAFE also had paper shirts at their information booth, on which people could pledge that “Consent is, indeed, very sexy”.
Consent is one of the most important aspects of partnered sex, but is not often discussed. There is a prevailing sentiment among North Americans that sex should happen spontaneously, and therefore, explicit discussion about sex is something most people tend to shy away from. Consent is something that needs to be confirmed, not assumed, and the only way to do this is by talking.
Many people believe that not saying no means yes, and that consent is implied as long as someone doesn’t tell you to stop. This is a dangerous assumption to make, since a partner could very well be nervous, or feel like they cannot speak up. If we all ask for consent, we’re all given the opportunity to give consent. So speak up!
SAFE outlined four “excuses” that society tends to fall back on when it comes to a violation of consent: Inebriation, Intimacy, Dress and Relationships. “He was drunk,” or “but they got me so horny,” or “she was dressed like a slut,” or “he’s my boyfriend, I can always have sex with him,” are the sorts of things someone falling back on these clichés might say. I’m going to dismantle them one by one.
Inebriation: A person who is intoxicated cannot consent to sex. If someone is smashed, they are in no state of mind to make a decision about sex. Also, just because you might be drunk doesn’t excuse you from violating someone’s consent. There is no “blaming it on the alcohol” when it comes to sexual assault.
Intimacy: If someone has consented to say, kissing or oral sex, this doesn’t mean that it’s a clear go-ahead to take things further. Prior intimacy doesn’t excuse not gaining consent for further intimacy.
Dress: Just because someone is dressed in a sexy way does not imply they automatically consent to sexual behaviour. People dressed sexy are not “asking for it”: what you should be asking for is their consent.
Relationships: Even in a long-term relationship, such as a marriage, it’s important to confirm that you have your partner’s consent before sex. Even though you might have sex every day, it’s always within a partner’s rights to say no to sex, and it’s not within a partner’s rights to demand it.
It is not just sexual intercourse that requires the affirmation of consent. In my 18th century literature class, we’ve been studying the etiquette of the dance, when the process of asking a woman’s hand to dance a minuet was ritualized and of grave social importance. While this stuffiness would be a bit out of place in a downtown Guelph club, I still think there is something to be learned from the past.
The culture of the student bar dance floor isn’t one conducive to asking for and giving (or not) consent. They’re loud, dark and crowded with (often drunk) people, making any sort of conversation difficult. This has led to a situation of retroactive consent: someone will be approached on the dance floor without being asked, or sometimes even forewarned, and it’s up to them to get themselves out of the situation should they not want to be in it.
This situation is so incredibly backwards! I don’t know how the change would be implemented, but something needs to change. No more having to scurry away from unwanted touches: how about we ask first if the object of our desire wants to be touched? Making eye-contact first is a good step forward, but in my perfect world, there’d be something more along the lines of the 18th century balls: asking a partner to dance.
I’m interested in what you have to say on the topic of consent. Send your opinions, questions and thoughts to oneditor@uoguelph.ca!
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