So, the Ontarion is talking about sex.

But let’s face it, who isn’t talking about sex. It’s something that we are confronted with every day, in magazines, on television and in a lot of cases, in bedrooms. With our sex feature, we have profiled a number of different perspectives and approaches to sex. In some cases, the anecdotes are a little funny, others are more serious, while some are just awkward; but isn’t sex all of these things at one time or another?

As we see public discussion about sex becoming less taboo, we are able to explore further into sexual practices that might not have been talked about in public forum before. This reinforces a dialogue about sex that helps to break down barriers to make people more comfortable and tolerant.

Sex is something that we have all been involved with at some level and is something that goes beyond relationships; it is something that can be individual as well. Just take a visit to your local sex shop and see for yourself.

With this feature, the Ontarion is trying to showcase the different and intriguing ways that sex presents itself to the student population. Everyone has a different and unique way of talking about sex, and below are just a few examples of one of the most important and talked about issues, not only on campus, but in our culture at large.

 

 

Masturbation

Women don’t really like sex, do they? Any woman who craves sex simply must be suffering from hysteria and should be denigrated and cured of her affliction lest she poisons society.

Certainly the aforementioned ideas are untrue and views on female sexuality have come a long way from a time in the past when they were widely held as reality. Along with the idea that women were never to enjoy sex, they were also not to engage in masturbation. A woman choosing to pleasure herself was considered the cause of heart disease, cancer and hysteria and any woman thought to engage in masturbation was in danger of having her clitoris removed as punishment. While ideas about female masturbation have come far, it continues to be stigmatized in a way that male masturbation isn’t. According to the Transformation of Intimacy by Anthony Giddens, when asked if they have masturbated at any point in their lives, 90 per cent of men admitted to having done so. Out of all women asked, 40 per cent of women claimed to have masturbated at some point. While certainly more women have then the survey expresses, there seems to be this reluctance to admit to having masturbated as a woman.

In order to conceive of a woman masturbating, many men instantly picture scenes set for a romantic mood complete with a bubble bath or lit candles. Some ask what shower head was used in the making of a young lady’s recent orgasm or inquire about the treasure trove of sex toys she, no doubt, requires in order to pleasure herself sans partner.

But sometimes all it takes is some pubescent curiosity and Gregory Smith, the young hero of the movie Small Soldier.

It was grade five. The year my parents bought me Small Soldiers on VHS. The year public school teachers were separating the boys and girls to have hushed conversations about our ‘changing bodies’ and burgeoning sexual desires. In the pamphlet each of the girls in my class was provided were instructions for ‘exploring our vaginas, ’ just in case we were curious. We were. We’d heard and vaguely understood all of those Spice Girls lyrics and we wanted to know what we were missing. All the steps to the exploration were in it and eagerly memorized to be used later, when the time was right.

And then along came Gregory Smith. I certainly hadn’t been looking for the object of my first sexual fantasy; I more discovered it by accident. Through the hour and a half that Gregory fought artificially intelligent-army-action figure-robots, I swooned.

So that night with both Gregory and the pamphlet in mind, I explored but not expecting much. Other girlfriends who had gone before me had reported lack-luster results. The pamphlet was a dud and sex was going to be a yawn for our entire lives. After a few moments of careful concentration and fumbling, I made a discovery.

The girls in class were wrong and it was awesome.

Male masturbation certainly doesn’t have the same level of mystique and intrigue – or frequency – as its female counterpart. By nature, men are curious, and at a young age start exploring what their bodies do, and how they work.

This self-exploration, not to mention the discovery of pornography and the realization that they are attracted to other men and/or women, inevitably leads to masturbation, usually in late pre-teen or early teenaged years. Thoughts race through their brains: will I get caught? Do I really like what I’m seeing? What if I try it like this? Oh, that’s new! But…it happened so fast?!

Renowned sex educator and counsellor Sue Johanson was very candid in an interview conducted by the Toronto Sun about her perception of the frequency of male masturbation.

“99 per cent of men of all ages masturbate regularly,” began Johanson. “And the other one per cent are liars.”

Whether Johanson was being completely frank or slightly facetious is debatable, but nevertheless, her comment reinforces the fact that for many men – particularly at a young age – masturbation fast becomes second nature, especially for those who may cope with vasocongestion, aka “blue balls.”

Similar studies, such as American sex researcher Alfred Kinsey’s 1948 report, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, have alleged that upwards of 90 per cent of men masturbate, with those numbers declining in marriages and old age.

And so persist the age-old questions: how much is too much? Should you stop masturbating when you’re in a relationship or when you get married?

If you’re looking for answers, you’ll be hard pressed (no pun intended) to find concrete evidence either way, however, the notion of compulsive masturbation is real, wherein the activity is performed not for pleasure or gratification, but to reduce anxiety or stress. The practice of compulsion, according to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, significantly interferes with the individual’s normal routine, occupational functioning, or usual social activities or relationships with others. In short, if masturbation is preventing you from leading a balanced lifestyle, perhaps it’s time to reconsider.

Until then, go nuts…

 

 

Sex Shopping

Ed Reiber has seen the same story play out over and over again.

A group of university-aged males walk into his local sex shop, perusing the displays and making jokes about the products. After a few laughs, but rarely any purchases, the group leaves. But, a few days later, one or two will come back – always on their own – and make a purchase. The group setting afforded the comfort of checking out Reiber’s products; the return trip simply validated their interest.

“It’s a big joke when they come in as a group; they’re laughing a lot, especially when it’s guys,” said Reiber, the general manager of the Love Shop on Woolwich St. in Guelph, and the former manager of a similar store in Waterloo. “They don’t want their friends knowing what they’re buying, and the first chance they get, they come back alone.”

While Reiber admitted that his clientele in Guelph isn’t made up of as many students as was the case in Waterloo, where his store was close to the campus, he did acknowledge the importance of engaging the student sex shopper.

“We do a big promotion at the Envy Lounge in downtown Guelph. Every Sunday is the Sex and Blues Trivia,” said Reiber. “We also offer a 20 per cent discount to students year-round. We recognize that they don’t have a lot of money, but they’re a big part of our business.”

Reiber listed condoms, lubrication and novelty joke gifts among the most popular items sold to university students, with adult magazines and vibrators in the next group of the most sought after items.

More than anything though, he stressed the importance of developing an expert relationship with customers, offering help when necessary, without being intrusive.

“The more comfortable you make the customer feel, the better their shopping experience will be,” said Reiber. “If you see a customer come in and they’re nervous, you need to give them the support they need, but be discreet about it. You always want to make a joke out of it and have fun.”

 

 

Abstinence

Abstinence. The only form of birth control that is 100 per cent effective, so they say. However true this adage may be, being a university student and choosing to abstain from sex is typically viewed as the territory of the staunchly religious and those for whom the opportunity for sex never truly arose. Many have expressed the sentiment that these abstainers can’t possibly know what they’re missing or else they would never have made the unconceivable decision to wait. This being said, some, like our born-again virgin, knew exactly what he was missing and is happy to wait anyway.

At first, choosing to abstain from sex was an incredibly difficult decision. This, due to the fact that I really like sex.

I’d been having sex with committed partners since I was 19. A late bloomer, some might say, I originally wanted to wait (like all good Catholic boys do) until I had found “the one.”

After finding who I thought was “the one” at 18, and dating her for about a year, she ended our relationship the day after her senior prom. What I felt was inextricably more painful than anything I had ever felt before. At 19, and incredibly horny, I’d thought for the last year that I was about to give myself away to someone I cared about. However, before I was 20, I was lucky enough to find someone else whom I did care for … well, for about an hour.

My decision to have sex for the first time resulted from the ‘spur of the moment’ feeling that most guys get … and although I’ve slept with numerous women since, at 28 years of age now, I still regret my first time.

So, at 26 when I met my current girlfriend, a confident, independent woman with high moral fibre, I knew that I may not be having sex again for a while. It wasn’t until after a few months of being with her that I realized “a while” actually meant “not until marriage.” Although it was a difficult thing to accept, I’ve since come to welcome my present situation, because I know that I’m with an incredible person whom I love tremendously.

And at the same time, I know that I’ll finally get the chance to have the sex I’ve always wanted.

 

 

Sex Addiction

By now, you’re surely aware that when news of Tiger Woods’ infidelities was made public, it was accompanied by his own admission of being an addict. A sex addict.

Many scoffed at the very idea, viewing the claim as nothing more than a weak excuse for unforgivable behaviour.

But, according to Penny Lawson, manager of family services and special programs at Bellwood Health Services in Toronto, sex addiction is a real and treatable condition.

“Sexual addiction is an addiction like any other,” said Lawson, one of Canada’s leading experts on the topic. “You could substitute the word ‘sex’ for ‘alcohol.’ It is when a person uses some sort of sexual behaviour to medicate or prevent uncomfortable emotional states.”

It is important that people don’t attempt to ignore the serious nature of sexual addiction and affix such a label to themselves to excuse cheating. Lawson indicated that through a series of tests, experts can easily differentiate between a high sex drive and an addiction.

“Very often, we find something sexually inappropriate has happened prior to adolescence that introduced them to the idea of masturbation or sexuality early,” she said. “It’s about looking at the criteria. Has this person’s tolerance increased to the point that they’re behaving in ways that they thought they never could? Is it interfering in other aspects of their lives? Are people in their lives objecting to what they’re doing? Have they tried to stop and not been able to?”

The advent of technology and the Internet has a clear positive correlation with the likelihood of one developing a sexual addiction.

“Obviously, pornography and masturbation are a big [factor] and have been since pornography was on the Internet around 1991,” said Lawson. “Everybody has a natural tendency to be curious.

“In the old days, to see pornography, you had to have an exchange with someone; you had to buy a magazine or a tape. But today, in the privacy of your own home and your own room, you can view all kinds of things. This has created problems for people.”

In agreement with Dr. David Demonico’s research, Lawson approximated that five or six per cent of the population has a sexual addiction, with an additional five or six per cent falling into an ‘at risk’ category.

She also added that especially in the case of university students, sexual addiction can be difficult to diagnose.

“For someone who is new and in university, they probably have a high sex drive and perhaps for the first time, a lot of freedom,” she said. “Therefore, it can be hard to assess this group, because what you’re doing in your first year away from home may not necessarily be addiction.”

Lawson listed websites such as sash.net and iitap.com as resources for people with questions about their own potentially addictive behaviour.

By now, you’re surely aware that when news of Tiger Woods’ infidelities was made public, it was accompanied by his own admission of being an addict. A sex addict.

Many scoffed at the very idea, viewing the claim as nothing more than a weak excuse for unforgivable behaviour.

But, according to Penny Lawson, manager of family services and special programs at Bellwood Health Services in Toronto, sex addiction is a real and treatable condition.

“Sexual addiction is an addiction like any other,” said Lawson, one of Canada’s leading experts on the topic. “You could substitute the word ‘sex’ for ‘alcohol.’ It is when a person uses some sort of sexual behaviour to medicate or prevent uncomfortable emotional states.”

It is important that people don’t attempt to ignore the serious nature of sexual addiction and affix such a label to themselves to excuse cheating. Lawson indicated that through a series of tests, experts can easily differentiate between a high sex drive and an addiction.

“Very often, we find something sexually inappropriate has happened prior to adolescence that introduced them to the idea of masturbation or sexuality early,” she said. “It’s about looking at the criteria. Has this person’s tolerance increased to the point that they’re behaving in ways that they thought they never could? Is it interfering in other aspects of their lives? Are people in their lives objecting to what they’re doing? Have they tried to stop and not been able to?”

The advent of technology and the Internet has a clear positive correlation with the likelihood of one developing a sexual addiction.

“Obviously, pornography and masturbation are a big [factor] and have been since pornography was on the Internet around 1991,” said Lawson. “Everybody has a natural tendency to be curious.

“In the old days, to see pornography, you had to have an exchange with someone; you had to buy a magazine or a tape. But today, in the privacy of your own home and your own room, you can view all kinds of things. This has created problems for people.”

In agreement with Dr. David Demonico’s research, Lawson approximated that five or six per cent of the population has a sexual addiction, with an additional five or six per cent falling into an ‘at risk’ category.

She also added that especially in the case of university students, sexual addiction can be difficult to diagnose.

“For someone who is new and in university, they probably have a high sex drive and perhaps for the first time, a lot of freedom,” she said. “Therefore, it can be hard to assess this group, because what you’re doing in your first year away from home may not necessarily be addiction.”

Lawson listed websites such as sash.net and iitap.com as resources for people with questions about their own potentially addictive behaviour.

 

 

Sex and Emotion

After a week of ignoring your partner, you show up with some K-Y warming gel, ready to make it happen. You get rejected. You scratch your head. You go home alone, and soon realize just how terrible K-Y warming gel really is.

You would think it’s common knowledge for most people that a strong emotional connection between couples outside the bedroom translates to good sex. Pretty obvious, right?

Not to everyone.

 “You will hear from women that what is going on in their head is going to affect them even wanting to have sex,” says Louise Dorfman, a psychotherapist who has been counseling couples for over nine years with her husband, David Rubinstein. “So, if they have a week or so of not really emotionally connecting with their partner, and the guy says well come on, let’s go to bed, they say ‘well I’m not really turned on.’ And he gets offended. But nobody is finding out what the other person is feeling.”

Dorfman and Rubinstein work on issues such as infidelity, a lack of passion and physical intimacy, communication problems, as well as issues like arguing and power struggles. Regardless of the problem, both therapists say that building a strong emotional connection with your partner is the most important thing in overcoming any one these issues.

It’s seems simple. You might be thinking, ‘tell me something new.’ But both Dorfman and Rubinstein say that building this connection requires practice.

One common problem that most couples are familiar with is a discrepancy in sexual desire, where one partner has a higher desire than the other.

“[What we work on] is not making it a pathology, that there is something wrong with that, but to help them understand what is happening in each one of them,” said Rubinstein. “In other words, it’s OK for the high-desire partner to want to have sex, but it is also okay for the low-desire partner to express that they’re not that interested.”

Rubinstein says that one of things to work on is actually listening to each other differently; to engage each other differently.

“I mean, for example, there are many couples who don’t look at each other in the eyes. So, even to have that type of engagement, where they look at each other and try to see who is there – so to speak – and try to understand what the person is feeling, [what they] are about and to try and understand the emotional world of each of them.”

Adds Dorfman, “It takes practice, it’s a skill. We’re not talking about staring at each other, but really trying to see who’s there. To learn from all your senses, to listen deeply when your partner is talking, to put all that busyness out of your own mind so you’re not trying to figure out what you’re going to say next, or not thinking I need to defend myself because he is really talking about me.”

Both therapists say that learning to develop a strong emotional connection with your partners at a younger age is beneficial to a healthy relationship down the road. A good sex life will surely be the result. 

 

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