The teddy bear must be changed into a source of daily terror in a child’s life.
It has reoccurred so often it has become a cliché: a scandal rocks the White House and attempts to manage it impact people the whole world. At best, favourite TV shows are pre-empted for continuous coverage. At worst, the president thunders across the world stage launching terrorist attacks on weak nations to distract the home population with jingoism. Between these extremes is the legacy of a minor scandal in the career of Theodore Roosevelt, and its symbol the teddy bear.
One hundred and ten years ago, Roosevelt refused to shoot a bound bear, leaving the task to his aides. This became a symbol of who knows what, but both he and his opponents took to waving the toy inspired by the event as either a triumph or reproach. The toy then quickly spread from the world of politics into the world of children’s beds. While the threat or grandeur of Roosevelt persisted, the effects of the teddy bear on children may have been rightly swept aside. However, with the man long dead, teddy bears require a critical re-examination.
A child raised on teddy bears has every reason to believe bears are as huggable and cute as the toy. To an adult this may be an obvious fiction, but to children wandering the bear-filled woods it acts as an invitation to trouble. While bears are not necessarily fur-draped monsters, they are wild animals that should not be disturbed. Hugging, cuddling, or petting a wild bear can only lead to an outcome much inferior to the comfort a child reared on teddy bears has come to expect. Since we cannot and should not expect to stop children from wandering bear-filled forests alone, we need to reconsider the role of the teddy bear.
An outright ban would be overkill, and only serve to make them more desirable in the hearts of rebellious toddlers everywhere. The teddy bear must instead be changed into a source of daily terror in a child’s life. It should growl and gnash its teeth, and tear endlessly at the remnants of a little stuffed child corpse with a mirror in place of the face. Any child with this version placed at their pillow side will be immune to the danger of affection-provoked bear mishaps. A government subsidy should be used to ease the transition to the new toy for lower-income families.
What may be more sinister than teddy bears is the inspiration they give to producers of other stuffed-creatures. Stuffed sharks have become commonplace, endangering deep-sea diving children, and an online company even produces cute stuffed HIV and Black Death “toys” that seriously threaten to decimate our child population if they ever become popular. Acting now against teddy bears may be necessary in preventing the growth of these much more dangerous threats.
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