Pop quiz. What is “arousal”? Think about it. Have an answer? Awesome, keep it in your mind. Second question. What is “desire”? Think about it. Having trouble giving a definition different than that of arousal? Don’t worry, you’re definitely not alone.
What is the difference, you might ask? Let’s break it down. The general feeling of wanting to have sex involves two parts, desire and arousal. Desire usually refers to the psychological aspect of wanting to have sex (when your brain goes “ooh, this sounds like fun”). On the other hand, arousal is your physiological reaction (when your body starts to react physically). The relationship between arousal and desire is different in men and in women. Among men, these processes tend to be interconnected. So if there’s some kind of physiological stimulus, it can get the physiological and psychological reactions going. Among women, these can work totally independently of one another– while a woman might be thinking, “this would be fun,” her body might not react at all.
Let’s think of this instead in terms of food. A man might see a piece of cake and say “oh, I’m hungry; I want that cake.” Hunger would be the physiological part of that response, but the psychological response would be the desire for cake. With women, it could go three ways. The first is “I really want that cake, but I’m not hungry.” This would be an example of having the desire, but not the arousal. Then, it could go “I’m hungry, but I’m not interested in eating that cake.” This would be physiological without the psychological factor. Or, of course, women can also respond with both the hunger and the craving for the cake. It’s just important to know that it doesn’t always happen that way.
Now, why am I bothering to tell you about this difference? Because it can save sex lives. I’ve heard concerns about this from both male and female (heterosexual) friends, and the concerns sound drastically different. From women, I hear “Why can’t he bother to get me turned on first? Does he just think of me as a piece of meat?” On the other hand, I hear from men “Why isn’t she as turned on as I am? Is she not attracted to me anymore?”
So what does it actually mean? Well, to the ladies, I’d say he’s just really excited to be with you, and probably assumes you’re as turned on as he is. And to the men, I’d say spend a little more time getting her in the mood; it has nothing to do with her attraction to you and everything to do with how she’s wired. See why understanding this difference might be important to understanding your partner’s reaction to you?
Of course, these are some pretty sweeping generalizations and don’t apply to everyone equally. And there are extenuating circumstances- stress, drinking, medication- that can affect sexual response. This isn’t an exhaustive guide, just a little food for thought and hopefully a way to start the conversation with your partner. A little bit more time on foreplay, some communication about what you want, and a better understanding of how your partner reacts may be the key to fabulous, connected sex.
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