Last week, during some of the mud-flinging in the US Republican primaries, Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife dropped a public bombshell. While still married, he had asked for an open marriage. While there are lots of things that one could criticize Newt Gingrich for (such as serving his first wife with divorce papers while in the hospital undergoing cancer treatments), this seems to be what people have really been upset about. But here’s the thing that really became clear when this information came out: no one really understands what an “open relationship” means.

There are many different types of relationships and practices that might fall under the category of “open relationships”, and there’s no way that I could do justice to all of them in a single column. However, the idea of an open relationship generally starts with a primary couple who decide to introduce others into their relationship. For some couples, this might take place in the form of “swinging”. Swinging generally refers to couples who have sex with other couples.

There are varying degrees of swinging; for example, “soft-swap” swingers are generally okay with their partner engaging in certain acts with someone else, but not full-on intercourse. In pornography, swinging seems to be represented by the subgenre of “wife-swapping”. However, this isn’t a fair representation of swinging. There is a lot of communication and explicit consent involved in these sexual encounters.

Next, there’s what might be more traditionally considered as an open relationship. For the purposes of this paragraph, forget everything that you’ve learned from “Sister Wives”. In a couple, someone might have a spouse and a boyfriend/girlfriend. I always had trouble figuring out how this was any different than someone cheating on their significant other. There’s a huge difference- they both know about each other and are okay with it. Though the line between swinging and open relationships blurs, the main difference here is that this may involve a relationship whereas swinging may only be sexual. Again, there are different ways this might look– it might be a casual dating partner, or someone may decide to engage in serious relationships with two partners. This is something that completely varies between individuals.

And finally, we have polyamorous relationships. These can be characterized by a couple bringing a third person into the relationship. Instead of being involved with one of the members of the couple, this person becomes involved with both partners. The third person has a sexual and romantic relationship with both individuals in the couple. Of course, this can then take on other configurations- such as a fourth member entering the relationship.

What are some of the myths that exist about open relationships?

You only have open relationships in ‘bad’ relationships. Totally false. In fact, many of the resources available for couples interested in opening their relationship up say that you have to have a strong, stable relationship with excellent communication skills to be able to make this work. It may be a different form of a relationship than we’re used to hearing about, but it doesn’t make it any better or worse.

Open relationships are a sexual free-for-all. Again, not at all. There are rules that need to be set by the couple before they open their relationship up. And just because the couple may have a more open relationship, that doesn’t mean that sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere can go. Believe it or not, there can be infidelity among open couples if one partner violates the rules of the relationship– just like other couples.

Women wouldn’t want anything to do with this kind of relationship. Again, this has been a pervasive misconception that seems to come from this false idea that women aren’t actually interested in sex. Instead, if you look at the organized swinging movement, there’s generally a matriarchal structure. That is, women get to set the rules, women have control, and a large part of the focus is on making sure that women are comfortable with the situation.

Still have questions? There are two really good resources available for more information. The first is “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton, and the second is “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino, both of which can be ordered in most book stores.

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