Fashion—it is an issue that affects our lives every day. Relentlessly, it bombards our minds with doubts, questions and fears. It perpetuates a world of never ending anxiety where we are always forced to wonder: does this shirt give my blue eyes that sensitive green sparkle? Does the Abercrombie Carpenter clothing line still define my identity? Or do ironic hipster t-shirts about moose better communicate to the public what I’m going through on the inside? Do these lulu lemon’s give my bum that timeless riveting quality? Or the more recent question of what stealing our girlfriend’s lulus and wearing them secretly says about our sexual identities? Nonstop we wrestle with these deep metaphysical problems until our apprehension reaches a boiling point and it is all we can do to stop ourselves from ripping off the Lulu’s and run through the street yelling “look at me, look at me, I AM NAKED!”.
Unfortunately for us Canadians, we’re not naked. No—we can’t be because public nudity is illegal. So those of us who cannot resist the urge to give a middle finger to the demands of fashion, who want nothing more than to go about our day in peaceful nudity—we will never see that dream come to fruition—as nakedness is clothed in fines, probation and bars of steal by the Canadian Legal System.
The courts willingness to do this was demonstrated earlier this January, when Ontario Bracebridge Judge John Jo Douglas fined Brian Coldin 3000 dollars and 24 months’ probation for four counts of public nudity. Coldin’s transgressions included walking nude along highway 11 in April 2008, going through a Tim Horton’s drive through naked in May 2009, and then doing it again at an A&W a few days later.
Although the conditions of Coldin’s sentence are very serious and unfortunate, I think it is important to point out just how hilarious these crimes really are. Just picture a naked man calmly ordering his coffee, while a panicked Tim Horton’s staff desperately tries to alert the authorities that a pervert is on the loose and you cannot help but smile.
The situation is only made more absurd when one realizes that Coldin’s actions are completely in line with Canadian cultural past times. Every week to escape the boring monotony of working five to seven days a week, millions of Canadians tell dirty jokes, watch television, play sports, read books, swim, or get drunk. What all these hobbies have in common is that they offer a break from normalcy and enable people to go on an adventure that is either funnier or more interesting then everyday life. They also all consistently explore comedic themes involving people not wearing any clothes.
So why is the Canadian Legal System punishing Brian Coldin for doing something in public that has always been hilarious in private? If anything legalizing public nudity would only make everyday life more bearable. Firstly, if more people started walking around naked, at the very least, some of the comedic adventures Canadians engage in on their spare time could be experienced in the real world. Secondly, public streaking could be adopted as a national past-time, so Guelph university students could finally have the freedom to run through the streets naked instead of having to dance with Trappers dirt bags. Thirdly, the body image insecurities created by the demands of fashion would be greatly reduced because who would care about having the latest JC Penney clothing line now that everyone’s busy staring at penny sized nipples. The perspective and adventure that public nudity could inject into our fashion obsessed culture is virtually limitless.
So Judge Jon Jo Doudglas should take off his robes, look himself in the mirror and remember that he’s guilty of being naked to.o Of course when he does this, he should make sure that he pulls the blinds down because if somebody saw him, then I guess he’d have to convict himself.
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