Cam Guthrie: charismatic leader / Sith apprentice

Cam Guthrie: charismatic leader / Sith apprentice

24-hour stream reveals two sides to mercurial leader

This week, Guelph mayor Cam Guthrie launched a 24-hour live-streaming video-feed in a bid to engage with Guelph voters.

Guthrie has previously used video on social media to sound off on issues like the mess left by rowdy homecoming students. His new Cam-Cam, mounted on the dash of his car, will allow him to address local issues as they unfold, 24/7.

Guthrie has announced that he intends to spend as much time on stream as he can, even if that means putting in fewer hours at the office, spending less time with his family, and peeing in a McDonald’s cup sometimes.

“No filter. No limits. This is the real Cam Guthrie,” said Guthrie upon launching the stream on Monday.

Tens of thousands of adoring viewers tuned in that first day to see whether a day in the life of Cam Guthrie is really as exciting as everyone imagines.

The Contrarion tuned in as well. What we saw was astonishing: a leader with unparalleled charisma and charm — and a troubled force-user struggling to resist the call of the dark side.

Mayor wins over drive-thru workers with Muppet impression

Guthrie began his first day of streaming on a high note by breaking out his celebrated impression of Animal from The Muppets in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s at Gordon and Wellington.

“A-ni-mal! A-ni-mal!” said the mayor over the speaker, to the delight of the fast-food workers and many online viewers.

McDonald’s manager Brad Hermann said that other drive-thru patrons were so moved by Guthrie’s impression of the drummer from Doctor Teeth and The Electric Mayhem that they got out of their cars and applauded Guthrie for three minutes straight.

“That’s just the kind of mayor we have,” said Hermann.

The restaurant also gave Guthrie his three Junior Chickens free of charge.

Mayor vows to buy every single Guelph sports team, name them after himself 

Guthrie continued his morning and afternoon in high spirits, and announced that he will follow his recent purchase of the Guelph Royals by buying every other local sports team — even the Gryphons — and naming them all after himself.

Guthrie called U of G President Franco Vaccarino to tell him the good news live on the stream.

“You’re on the Cam-Cam, Frank,” said Guthrie.

“I’ve been watching all morning,” said Vaccarino, audibly weeping. “Thank you.”

Guthrie said that the new name of the U of G athletics will be Guelph Happy Cam-pers. Vaccarino added that plans to replace the Gryphon Statue with a statue of Cam Guthrie squatting on a first-year economics textbook are already underway.

“I’m proud to be a Happy Cam-per,” said Happy Cam-pers football coach Kevin MacNeill.

Students agree. “The only mythical creature I can identify with is our mayor,” said Natasha Okafor, a third year bio-med major.

Guthrie also announced that he would be playing for all of the teams, but did not add whether he would be playing every position or just the important ones.

Mayor does carpool karaoke with bar-hopping students

As the sun set on Carden Street and the bar scene warmed up, Guthrie continued to give back to Guelph citizens by offering rides to partying students.

“I take back everything I said about the student community after homecoming,” said Guthrie, after dropping off one passenger. “That kid said I could go trash his neighbourhood with him later!”

“Are you the Uber?” said one group of students. “No, I’m the mayor,” said Guthrie.

Guthrie further demonstrated his leadership by leading groups of drunk students in carpool karaoke. The night’s playlist focused mostly on the good songs from YTV Big Fun Party Mix, Vol. 7, like “Beverly Hills,” “Pon de Replay,” and the “Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song.”

“You only need one CD if it’s this one,” said Guthrie to his streaming viewers, which even at that time of night numbered in the thousands.

“Best. Mayor. Ever.” said one group of students.

Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

Mayor revealed to be Sith apprentice

As the noise from the bars faded, something strange showed up on the Cam-Cam. Parked in an obscure side-street at 4:03 a.m., Guthrie was visited by a tall man in a dark black robe, who got into the driver’s side back seat for a short, hushed conversation with the mayor.

Now, one of Guthrie’s mayoral aides, who spoke to The Contrarion on condition of anonymity, has come forward to identify that man as a dark lord of the Sith.

The Sith are best known as the antagonists in the Star Wars movie franchise, where they are depicted as cunning, vicious warriors bent on galactic domination.

The aide alleges that Guthrie, who is force-sensitive, has long been tempted by the unbridled power of the dark side, but only recently began training with the Sith lord to shoot lightning from his hands and choke people from a distance.

“I am not a Sith apprentice,” said Guthrie in a Cam-Cam statement following the allegations. “Like many force-sensitives, I feel the pull of the dark side. I have always resisted.”

But a new tape recently leaked from City Hall suggests that Guthrie is, indeed, a Sith apprentice — albeit a conflicted one.

Sith lord tells mayor to give into dark side, sell Guelph Hydro

In the tape, the Sith lord congratulates Guthrie on his plan to merge Guelph Hydro with Mississauga corporation Alectra. “Your plan to privatize Guelph’s utilities has successfully evaded the detection of the council,” says the dark lord. “The dark side clouds their judgment.”

“More and more I get the feeling that I’m being excluded from the council,” says Guthrie.

“They don’t trust you, Cammy,” says the Sith. “They see your future. They know your power will be too strong to control. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

Guthrie defends the council, saying that they use their power to fight for good, while the Sith think only of themselves.

“Only the dark side can cut the $165 million municipal infrastructure deficit!” shrieks the Sith lord, shooting Guthrie with his force lightning.

The Sith lord’s face is visible for only moments in the Cam-Cam footage, but viewers have pointed out that it resembles former Ontario premier Mike Harris.

Mayor’s charisma, sense of rhythm come from the dark side

Resisting the dark side may prove difficult for Guthrie. The tape reveals that much of his appeal with voters comes from his ability to harness the raw emotions — hate, fear, and anger — that fuel the dark side’s power.

The dark side also contributes to mayor Guthrie’s impeccable sense of rhythm. In a later part of the tape, the Sith lord and Guthrie sit down with a couple practice pads to work on sticking and some beats. “Let me see your paradiddles,” says the Sith.

Guthrie is celebrated for his work behind the kit in local synth-pop-dance-hop group Fitness Club Fiasco.

Now the Guelph community of light-side force-users faces a predicament: press Guthrie to abandon the ways of the Sith and lose the charismatic leader they’ve fallen in love with, or, make a deal with the dark side.

Soon after the allegations of Sith-affiliation went public, the Cam-Cam suddenly went offline. Guthrie’s office did not respond to a request for comment, except to say that Guthrie was “off in his car somewhere.”

Photo edited by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion

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