Wholesale store a huge lie
The world was shocked this week to discover that Costco Wholesale has been imaginary this entire time. Since 1976, millions of people worldwide have been lying to trick the rest of us into thinking that the impossible store is a real place.
Leaked copies of corporate confidentiality agreements reveal that the company has been bribing millions of people with enormous jars of Nutella to convince non-members that it is possible to sell every product in the world under one roof. Inclusion in the conspiracy is awarded to anyone who buys a membership while “Costco Ninjas” hunt down those suspected of betraying the membership.
“Well, what did you think?” says our informant, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of the Costco Ninjas. “How could you believe that there’s really a store that sells everything under the sun, including gas? I mean, the website says they sell five-pound gummy bears!”
Despite the fact that the secret is officially out, many Guelph students still hopelessly maintain the lie. “No, it really is real!” said psychology student Kayla McFaeknaem. “Costco is where I got my first pet.”
Costco has never pretended to sell live animals.
Other students show signs of lingering brainwashing, insisting that their parents shop at Costco all the time, despite having never seen the inside of the store.
Thousands of others remain in the dark thanks to the lies of their friends and loved ones.
Photo courtesy of Costco