A step-by-step guide for any suffering student
How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by The Ontarion? I mean, how dare they stand around the UC waving their free papers at us with those darn friendly faces?
We’ve all been guilt-tripped into accepting a paper at some point, but now it’s time to take a stand. We’re fighting back with this list of tips and tricks on how to refuse the paper around campus.
1. AVOID EYE CONTACT
This is essential. Get some dark shades, an eye patch, simply close your eyes. Whatever you do — DO NOT make eye contact.
2. HEADPHONES ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND
This method works especially well when it’s used in conjunction with no eye contact.
3. STOP, DROP, AND ROLL
When in doubt: stop, drop, and roll. From fires to awkward situations, this is a life lesson you should always utilize.
4. CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Ontarion volunteer: Hey there, do you want a free copy of this week’s paper?
You: Yeah! Sure! Maybe! But enough about me. So tell me, what butters your biscuit? Pickle on rye perhaps?
If you know parkour, then this is all you. This moment is everything you’ve trained for. It’s your time to shine. Why walk through the UC when you can simply go over it and avoid the stress of a free newspaper?
Now this one requires a bit more effort, but I feel like it’s worth it. There are countless historical documents that mention shapeshifting, and research on bacterial shapeshifting has recently been conducted at Stanford University. If you’re a student in a biological sciences program, this one’s for you. I believe that YOU can revolutionize the science of human shapeshifting. You don’t even have to go all out with interspecies transformations or anything. A simple transformation into John Cena should suffice. Here’s the thing: they can’t offer you a paper if they can’t see you.
7. JUST DANCE
Put your hawk in the sky. Move side to side. Jump to the left. Stick it. Glide. This one’s super versatile — just pick your poison. Whether it’s the Hoedown Throwdown, the Electric Slide, Wind Your Toy, or your own combination of moves, just dance your way out of there.
We all know that one person with the long list of weird allergies. Be that person. “I’m sorry, sir, but if I touch that paper, I will die in 4.02 seconds.”
9. NO FREE HANDS
How can you take the paper if your hands are occupied? For this one, I like to take everything out of my backpack and carry it all in my hands. Don’t hide your struggle as you walk past while they hand the papers out. Trust me, no one will stop you.
10. THE ELABORATE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SCHEME
This strategy seems to work in High School Musical, so that’s enough evidence for me to call this a viable option.
Break out into song in the middle of the UC and it’s highly likely that a group of theatre kids will appear with a fully choreographed number. While everyone is distracted by the spectacle, you have to make a break for it and don’t look back.
This is the great escape.
Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion