Student discovers U of G administration are Lizard People

Student discovers U of G administration are Lizard People

From Brenda Whiteside to President Vaccarino, all are masked reptilians, student alleges

On Thursday, Evan Rupert, a second-year human resources management student, accidentally walked onto the fourth floor of the UC while looking for the Financial Resources Office.

“I was suddenly on the fourth floor without realizing it,” Rupert said in an interview with The Contrarion. “I took a side staircase and I guess I walked up more stairs than I thought.” 

When Rupert couldn’t find a single person on the fourth floor, he ended up in a board room extension. What he saw inside was “shocking and disturbing.” 

“[The administration] were all in this board room.

They had their human masks off.

There were heat lamps everywhere, and they all had scales and long pink tongues,” Rupert said.

This is the third reported sighting of Lizard People among the campus administration. The first came when a student noticed President Franco Vaccarino blink sideways at a 2014 commencement ceremony.

The second sighting was when Ellen Morowitz, a third-year biology student, saw Brenda Whiteside, associate vice-president student affairs, eat a fly while unveiling the yellow “friendship bench” in April.

“I was walking past when they opened that yellow bench thing,” Morowitz said. “I swear I saw a tongue snap out of her mouth to catch a fly. But I don’t know. [The tongue] was so quick.”

Many students have suspected that President Vaccarino and other senior administrators were Lizard People, most notably after a series of recent attempts to connect with students came off as “phony” and “robotic,” according to Rupert.

When asked if Rupert believes with absolute certainty that the admin are in fact Lizard People, Rupert responded, “Hundo P.”

To address the suspicions, The Contrarion spoke with President Vaccarino who vehemently denies the claims.

“I, and all the wonderful people in this office, are in no way, shape, or form Lizard People,” Vaccarino said, adjusting his heat lamp.

Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion.

 

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