Tom Cruise abandons Scientology to start his own religion

Tom Cruise abandons Scientology to start his own religion

Cruiseology draws on movie star’s films and life

Tom Cruise, cherished American actor, broke away from the Church of Scientology earlier this year to begin his own religion, The Church of Cruiseology.

According to the star, Cruiseology was “Born on the Fourth of July,” 2017. Cruise stated that the inspiration came to him after Nicole Kidman visited him in a dream. The time-traveling starlet told Cruise that, in the future, all religions had been proven wrong, except for the one he will spawn. She informed Cruise that now was the time to begin his own religion: Cruiseology. 

The idea of starting a new religion may seem like Risky Business, but for Cruise, this mission was anything but impossible.

The current number of Cruiseologists is unknown, but according to Cruise, membership is steadily climbing every day.

As Jack Nicholson famously told Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the Truth.” In Cruisology, Tom is seen as the one true Cruise — the most perfect being in existence. The members of the Church pursue happiness and enlightenment by trying to live by Cruise’s teachings through his actions, life, and even his movies. Once a follower fully embodies Tom Cruise, they achieve Cruise Control, whereby you are your most spiritually free and pure form.

Interested citizens are interviewed before they can join Cruise’s religion. These interviews are known as Auditions. New members must be baptised into the Church.

Burgeoning devotees, also called ‘Rain Men,’ are showered with water as they jump on a couch declaring their love and affection for Cruise.

The ceremony symbolizes the believer’s commitment to the institution and to Tom Cruise himself. After death, Cruiseologists believe that their spirits will be transported to a place known as Vanilla Sky, an alternate version of our world only inhabited by other disciples.

Weekly Cruiseology sermons are known as Performances and take place at Cruise Centres, the Church’s houses of worship, throughout the world. Cruise Directors, the spiritual representatives of Tom Cruise, lecture about Cruise’s triumphs while suspended from the ceiling by a single rope for the duration of these gatherings. When the Cruise Director shouts “Show me the money,” a small dish is passed around the auditorium. Patrons tithe a minimum of 15 per cent of their salary into the dish to show thanks to Cruise for showing them a new way of life. The Performance concludes as the congregation drones in unison, “Cruise completes me.” At which point they all put on a pair of black Ray Bans and go about their day.

“He had me at hello,” proclaimed Cam Guthrie, a recent member of Cruiseology. “This land is Cruise’s by destiny. He’s not doing what you all think he’s doing, which is flipping out. Cruise wants you to help him help us.”

A Cruise Centre opened last week in downtown Guelph, right beside the Church of Scientology’s office. It remains to be seen what conflict, if any, will arise out of the close proximity to an office associated with Cruise’s previous Church.

If you would like to learn more about Cruiseology, please visit Cruise4You.wordpress.com.

Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion

1 Comment

  • theonlyfanyouhave December 1, 2017 2:39 am

    lol great shit hahaha

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