Top seven places to masturbate on campus

Top seven places to masturbate on campus


Handy spots to flick the bean and flog the bishop

We get it, it’s a rough time of year. Exams are coming, and in such stressful times, it’s not wrong to want to just unzip and relax every now and then. Unfortunately, not everyone has time to go home, light some candles, and hope their roommates don’t notice how long they spend in the shower. For the student that always finds themselves locked in the library or never leaving the lab, one must make do with what the University of Guelph has been kind enough to provide. 

If you find yourself with a couple minutes to spare between running to class, procrastinating on papers, and Googling the symptoms of a panic attack, these are the seven best places to rub one out on campus.

1. THE HILL NEXT TO THE SOCCER FIELD

Everything’s better with a view. Look back on fond memories you’ve made here as you admire our university’s beautiful campus in its entirety. The cold weather will only serve to extend the experience. You might even be lucky enough to catch a game while you’re here.

2. THE QUIET STUDY FLOOR OF THE LIBRARY

Sometimes you just need some peace and tranquility. Everyone here is so stressed-out and overworked that you’re almost guaranteed to go unnoticed. On the off-chance that you are spotted, worry not, as no one would dare break the silence and disrupt the studious atmosphere of this part of the library.

3. THE BASEMENT OF CREELMAN

A surprisingly calm space, given the ruckus upstairs. The comfy chairs down here seem like they were put there specifically for students in your predicament. The close proximity to both food and washrooms makes this one of the most convenient places on campus to take a quick break.

4. THE THINKTANK IN THORN 

For the U of G student who likes a rush: take “sneaking one in” to a whole new level, with those big glass windows that leave you fully exposed to all your bus-faring peers. The constant stream of South-bound first-years offer the perfect back drop to reflect on your life choices when you’re done.

5. THE BALCONY OF WAR MEM

What better way to make that 8:30 a.m. lecture a bit less terrible? You’ll finally be able to enjoy the coziness of this lecture hall without fear of falling asleep. As one of the only students foolish enough to go to class so early, you’ll have plenty of space on the upper level to sprawl out and admire the magnificent architecture.

6. THE TROPICAL GREENHOUSE IN THE BOVEY BUILDING

There’s nothing like escaping to a tropical paradise amidst the dreariness of day-to-day campus life. Lay back and relax as you take in the luscious scenery and exotic smells. If you sit on your hand first, it’ll be just like spring break in December.

7. THE CANNON

Because it’s a U of G tradition to paint The Cannon, and isn’t that thing meant for firing loads anyway?

Please wank responsibly.

Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion

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